Before, it was still small and sleeping was almost impossible. The big dream was to be able to sleep for more than 4 hours in a row.
Then the second one came and the work didn't double, it just became different. He was sweet, calmer and also full of energy. I remember working from home in the locked office and the youngest was crawling down the hall; he was knocking on the door, trying to get in, looking for me. I often talked to clients who were closing sales in the technology field and when I hung up I opened the door and saw those jabuticaba eyes with eyelashes that looked like artificial ones that looked at me with joy that made me feel like the greatest thing on earth. I picked him up, covered him with kisses and explained to him that mom was going to close big projects and that's why she couldn't open the door. When he was three years old, I quickly showed him the company where I worked and he greeted his friends who greeted him and said: Did you know that my mom closes big projects?
We left Brazil in 2008 and, far from our roots, there was only us. The four of us. Everything was together and I hardly had any time for myself, I thought I would never have time for myself again. I took advantage of the moments when I was at school to go for a little walk and relieve the heavy daily routine at home. The exercise calmed me down.
During my husband's constant business trips, we tried to create a magical universe waiting for dad. The two would come to our bed and we would have delicious popcorn movie sessions and my evening would be interrupted by a few kicks and elbow bumps from the two little visitors at our bedside. When dad arrived, the party was even bigger and the room smaller, but who cared about space?!!!
Time passed and I tried to balance my new professional life with these two beings who were my biggest and most unexpected life project. Between one Skype session and another in the home office, the two played wrestling and the eldest, 10 years old, broke the collarbone of the youngest, 8 years old. All the mother guilt gear resurfaced with full force. How dare I support other people when I couldn't adequately support my own children?
Saturdays and Sundays were special. Bike rides to the park, visits to skate parks, going to the movies together and, when we have time between one activity and the other, time for ourselves as a couple. Today, at 17 and 15, when my husband took them to their first driving lessons, a short film played in my head that lasted a few seconds and filled me with longing.
Today, our house is more like a hotel where two teenagers return to sleep and eat. Words are a bit monosyllabic and shared programs become less frequent. Older friends who already had teenage children always offer comfort: don't worry, they'll "come back" soon. Just when I thought back then that I would never sleep or date anyone again, I know they will. But I have a hole in my chest and miss the time when our bed was for four and knees and kicks marked our night...
And so it is with the cycle of life with its small and big changes. It is up to us to learn to enjoy them!
What cycle of life are you experiencing today? Is it calm, already settled, or is chaos still without much understanding? The best thing we can do for ourselves is to recognize and acknowledge all of our inner chaos. That means respecting ourselves, loving ourselves, and keeping our sanity!
Tip: I feel confused in such a situation: Write
If I can share with you some insights that I have already experienced, I will leave some here – they may seem clichéd and indeed they are, but that does not mean that we do not need to remember them to really put them into practice:
Play, scream, dance, run and kick a lot with your puppies. They will remember this in advance. Just like you need to remember some of your escapades
Even if you think it's silly, do what your heart desires. I loved playing "Kiss Monster" and every now and then she shows up here at home... the monster who loves to grab and kiss
Teach by example, there is little point in speaking and acting differently. Our speech must be confirmed by our example.
Encourage the development of responsibility, even in simple and small situations, such as leaving dirty clothes in the right basket and not decorating the bedroom floor.
Find time to do something just for you. It seems contradictory, but it isn't. No matter how small your activity or participation in something is, be whole. You will feel great and even without saying anything, you will give your puppy a sense of achievement.
Trust. Doing your best is no guarantee of anything. But as you have made your own travel discoveries, so will they. Surrender them to a creative and perfect force that governs our entire universe, regardless of what name you give to that force!
"The Return of Love"
To stay on our "axis", to be aware of our present and to respond more sensibly and with less impulsive reactions to life's challenges, we need to fill ourselves with reading, music, news and anything else that can nourish us spiritually. And today, more than ever, we have thousands of reading options, podcasts and uplifting talks. For those who are learning English or are already fluent, here's a tip: the audio recording of "The Return of Love" by Marianne Williamson - practical explanations of the "Course in Miracles" .
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